That Missing Puzzle Piece Friday, Jul 31 2009

I find myself a victim of mood swings from time to time, one second the sky couldn’t be bluer the next it’s like a tornado is sweeping through. I have no clue what ignites these crazy emotions inside me but it’s like something in me isn’t satisfied & it’s trying to break free. Like a piece of the puzzle is missing. What that piece is I have no idea but I do have a constant feeling of needing to do more or to do something else. I have a huge heart & a huge need to give maybe I’m not doing enough, better yet I know I’m not because you most certainly can never do enough good. Then I have people in my life who constantly pull me down & try to bring the evil side of me which is a very small part but once aggravated I have a hard time getting back in control. Evil after all is uncontrollable. Yet, I do have control over myself & I won’t let these truly evil people turn me to their side. After all, jealousy is just as much a sin as anger. I refuse to stay angry because I’m not an angry person at all; Quite the opposite.

Back to the point, if you have a desire to be something great & those around you think you’ll never amount to anything then that’s the best reason to push forward. Believe me, when you succeed they’ll be the first ones running back to your side & it’ll be your turn to show them the hospitality they showed to you. Sadly, it’s some of our own family members that can be our worst enemies but that’s life. These days I wake up every day ready for a new challenge I’ll be faced with because in the end I just become a stronger person because of it. I’m stronger now than ever before because of the people I’ve chose to have in my life & because of the cruel people I’m forced to be around.

Final point, I know I’m a good person & to all the “haters”, no matter how high you put yourself on a pedestal & honestly believe you’re better than me well you just proved what kind of person you are, didn’t you? The instant you think a bad thought about me, you’re in the wrong not me. I forgive anyone who thinks negative towards me without cause because I have the strength to do that. I have a huge heart, a caring soul, & yes I’m the goody-goody I claim to be…no longer will I feel shame in that. I make mistakes but I know I’m one of the few people left in this world who honestly feels bad for them at the end of the day. So, no longer will I worry about what YOU think about me…I’m not a little girl anymore & no one has control over my life but me.

Off to find that missing piece…

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Hostility. . . Tuesday, Jul 14 2009

Do you ever wake up and think today I’m going to tear down all these walls holding me back and truly go after all my dreams? Only to end the day promising yourself tomorrow you’ll really try. Yeah, I’m sure you do. But why don’t you? For me it’s because I worry far too much about trying to make those who should love me but don’t, to actually care. It began with my dad, he never loved me enough to stick around and even though I’m heartbroken, I’m a stronger person because of it. I will always love him, it’s unconditional and I have no control over that but it’s time I move on with my life, he’s not coming back. I wake up every day and face people who should care that just don’t and I thank God for giving me strength to finally move on with my life. Yet, there are people in my life who challenge my strength every second of the day. It’s true no one wants to see anyone else happy when they are miserable and they are miserable even if they don’t realize it. I hate to say it but it’s the “Christians” and the “high society” people who are the worst people in the world for me to deal with. I do consider myself a Christian but I stand behind it without throwing it in others faces, you can’t just call on God when you, yourself fail. God sees and hears everything some “Christians” tend to forget that. It’s what is in your heart that counts. Then there’s the “socialites” who have the fake smile practically painted on their faces, who present this fake personality like it’s an art. I find it heartbreaking those who spend their lives pretending they are so “perfect” when they are the saddest people on the planet. Life isn’t and never will be about who has the most money or who the most attractive person in the world is. Gosh, I feel so hostile and that’s not a feeling I want but fake people get under my skin. Let’s just say you should watch who’s around you before you talk bad about me because I might just find out. Thankfully, I know how one person in my life feels about me now…so I can finally quit pretending to give a damn because honestly I don’t, now I have no reason to pretend. One less person holding me back from what I want. Watch your back; you may not realize that some of those close to you carry knives…

xoxo Kayla

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Let’s reminisce… Monday, Jun 8 2009

“And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.”–Abraham Lincoln

Yesterday is gone and I know there’s nothing I can do about it now but some days I find myself reaching backwards, towards those sweet memories gone by. On bad days I just want to be 13-years-old again dancing around my room singing Backstreet Boys at the top of my lungs with my best friend, Katie. I want to laugh uncontrollably at absolutely nothing and sit on the river dock like me & my family use to do. Now it’s all like a dream that’s slowly fading and now I’m just trying to figure out what’s in store. Wouldn’t it be amazing if we always had that false belief that we’ll never grow old and everyone we love will always be around? We’re told to cherish the present because the future isn’t promised but who says some days we can’t just wish for the past? On days it’d be so much better than the here and now. Face it, we all have bad days and we can’t always have these walls built up so high that we never let the pain in. Pain is the strongest, hardest, and most beautiful emotion we can feel…you learn everything you need to know about yourself. I’m not scared to admit I break down and cry in my room sometimes when no one knows because it’s like a rain that washes away all the pain I’ve been holding onto. I cry a lot be it sad or happy. When we “grow up” we start to find ourselves and I’ve found that I hold onto pain a lot longer than I should so I’ve learned to release it through my writing or be it crying. I slowly see things changing now that I would have never noticed before. My little “brother” Chihuahua, as my momma called him, Dodi died this past week and he was 12-years-old and more than anything it made me realize how quickly time is passing me by…where does it go? I cried that night not only because we had lost a family member but because I know time is flying by and all I want to do is reach out grab the clock and stop it just for a little while; just long enough for me to take a good look around and soak in everything surrounding me. I want my memories to be so vivid that I never forget a moment be it good or bad. So, wouldn’t it be awesome if just for an hour we could go back to whatever memory we wanted to just sit there and take it in all over again? Of course, we wouldn’t appreciate them as much then would we? They’d no longer be memories and we’d find ourselves constantly running to the past. Yes, some days I wish I could go back but at the same time I realize that there are reasons why things are the way they were then and the way they are now. We’ve just got to make new memories and truly cherish them in the here and now so they can last us a lifetime. I guess in the words of Journey, “I’m just a small town girl living in a lonely world.”

xoxo
- Kayla

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